Idea For Jenn Ashworth Book Launch

You know those lovely cinnamon-y biscuits you get with coffee at high class coffee shops? Those really nice ones that you could eat about a million and a half of. Yeah, them. It's them turned into butter.

Check it y'all.

On the side of the jar there's a logo that says 'de bedenkers' which I think means 'The Inventors'. Apparently it's this program that invented it. Then the company, 'Lotus', made it real. Now that's cool.

What I didn't know, but which is as cool if not cooler than all things mentioned previously in this post,is that Belgian people don't just dunk and scoff with these cinnamon-y biscuits that you get at high class coffee chops here, but are probably available free in hanging baskets hanging from every lampost in Belgium. No, they don't stop there. They wrap the dunked cinnamon-y biscuit in bread. Then they eat that. I'd probably add a swill of coffee for good measure.

I can't wait for breakfast.

Spreadable biscuits!!!

SPREADABLE BISCUITS!

I'm thinking about setting up my own TV show to popularise the concept of spreadable Bourbons, and see if UK biscuit manufacturer UK Biscuits is as on the ball as their Belgian counterpart, The Lotus.

Fin.

It Is Not Yet Ten O'Clock...

...and I've already written one story and started another. The one I've finished is called The Russian (A Nightmare) and it's horrible. I won't post it here because it's horrible. The second one is nicer, though not yet finished. I think it's going to be called 'Fe'.

I now have a cup of tea and a fresh pack of Digestives to bring the morning in with true style. I've just cleaned out the fridge as well.

Actually, being in the shop looking at the biscuits reminded me of an incident. There was one particular biscuit in fact. That biscuit was a 'bourbon.' I have been meaning to get this off my chest for quite some time.

Paul came to our house to do a write up on Time Travel Opportunists for a new zine that's coming out in Derby. He e-mailed ahead, like a true millennium gent, with the promise of a nice packet of bourbons as a gift.

I heard the knock and opened the door. I was the first to look upon the travesty that was Paul Hammond holding Londis own-brand Bourbons. The latter part was where the travesty began, but it leaked all over Paul. I had a mixture of feelings. Pity, hurt, distress, disappointment.

He knows about it now. We were honest. You could see it on people's faces after the first bite. The disappointment, the hurt, the despair. Emma didn't have one because Londis own-brand poor-bons aren't vegan. I didn't have one because I've had them before. I knew what was coming. A dry and tasteless, custard cream shaped Bour-wrong.

Paul, if you're reading this, I like you. I honestly do.
I like doing number puzzles with you. I like the way you talk, and what you talk about.
I think you are funny as well.
If I was a lady, I might go so far as to say I might 'date' you.
But next time, and I think by now you know this, next time you're in Londis, walk past the own-brand bourbons, walk past the 'Best-In' bottom shelf four for a pound brown-custard-cream (that even has the adornments of that acceptable blond square of cream filled biscuit) 'long' pack. Walk past them, and walk to the door. Walk out of Londis and walk past our house. Walk past our house all the way to the Spar shop, where they have Bourbon sense. Buy their bourbons.
Vote with your feet Paul.
Vote Crawford's. Vote anything.
Then come back and I will make us all something to dunk them in.

Plain Chocolate Hobnobs

The other day I wrote about Dark Chocolate Digestives. Emma commented about Plain Chocolate Hobnobs. They are but a memory in biscuit history, but a good one (number 7 in a Nice Cup of Tea and a Sit Down survey).

Emma asked me if I could find some. I looked in ebay and there were none. I looked in Google and there were only people talking about them. So I used my telephone to speak to McVities.

I spoke to a lovely lady. The conversation:

Me: Hello, I'd like to inquire about a particular kind of biscuit.
Lady at McVities: Right, what kind?
Me: The Plain Chocolate Hobnob, also known as The Dark Chocolate Hobnob. I would like to know if they are still available.
Lady: I'm afraid that they were discontinued.
Me: Oh.
Lady: Yes.
(silence, phone crackle)
Me: That is a shame.
Lady: Yes. But hang on. Bear with me a moment.
(a moment passes)
Lady: I thought so. They are actually working on a new product based on The Plain Chocolate Hobnob that is planned for release around Springtime. It is called The Dark Chocolate Hobnob.
Me: Wow!
Lady: Yes!
Me: That is good news!
Lady: Yes. Look out for it in the springtime.
Me: I will!
Lady: Wonderful.
Me: Wonderful.
Lady: Ok then...
Me: Splendid!
Lady: Yes...
Me: Thankyou for that wonderful news. I am pleased.
Lady: Good.
Me: Have a wonderful day. Bye bye.
Lady: Bye bye.
We both hang up. I think she is smiling. I am smiling.

So there we are. I put my phone on the table and it was so happy it switched itself off and on again. Here's to McVities for giving us the icing on the cake of longer days and warmer weather!

Dark Chocolate Digestives

They're proper nice. I don't like dark chocolate, but put it on the back of a digestive biscuit and I'm there.

Excess Distress

An afternoon brain/conscience tickler:

Say you have a packet of biscuits (e.g. Bourbons) and you're happily dunking away. Maybe you're dunking the first half and eating the second half dry. Maybe you're going in dry then adding the coffee dans la bouche. Whatever you're doing, you end up devouring two thirds of a pack. You have two choices:

1. Risk someone coming in and going "Bloody hell have you eaten ALL THOSE bourbons by yourself? You eat biscuits like crisps you do."

2. Finish the pack and feel a bit bloated.

You tell me. I often deal with both. Often on the same day.